support for self-help / support group leaders
Tiff's Discussions
Fear of happiness - compulsive lying to acheive it.
Started Dec. 14, 2008
Tiff's Page
Profile Information
- About Me
- I'm an only child from a financial family. Never had many friends during my first 10yrs of school as I was always very mature for my age. In grade 9 I met a group of students all in higher grades than myself which I started to spend time with. We considered ourselves the black sheep of our grades so thats what connected us together. One guy in the group Dale I started dating when I was 15. We were all close friends for years. He cheated on me with one of the girls in our group when I was 19. I had never experienced something so hurtful so personally before, and didn't know how to handle it. so I kept the relationship going because I didn't want to be alone, and I still loved him. One of my old friends insisted I go with him to the local tavern on a weekly basis to do karaoke and forget my troubles. On the first night I met my next partner, Matthew. I was attracted to him because he was the only guy there who genuinly wanted to talk to me without wanting anything more. A after this, he told me how he truly felt about me. At this point I was still with Dale but Matt made me feel special. So I called it off with Dale - which was mutual, and started going with Matt the very next week. We were together for a little over a year, when in Sept last year he started building a wall in front of me. Barely spoke to me, constantly yelling at me. So I decided to start spending time with the group of guys from the tavern. Althouth Matt became jealous of this. Just after New Year into 2008, we decided to go on a 'short break'. He said it was for my benefit, so that I could get out on my own for a while, because I had been in a relationship since I was 15, I never really had my own personal social life. I was border-line depressive for the first 2months of this year. I was also very needy for attention.. and affection. Within weeks I was visiting a number of beds which I will never be proud of. One in particular was that of Matt's best friend Nathan. What made me feel worse that I am not the first girlfirend Nathan as got his hands on. Thank-fully I realized what I was doing and stopped myself before I got out of hand. I guess I had never been considered attractive in anyway before the last 18months. Was always considered the fat weird one. By Valentines Day I had almost gave up on life. Matt still wasn't talking to me as part of the break, and I didn't know what to do. Two weeks before my Birthday in early march, my mother insisted I meet one of the new mechanics working for our family business. His name is John. I met him, started messaging each other, took me on a dream first date, and we were together days before my birthday. Tall, good family man, mormon, my parents loved him.. but something happened. I think sub-consciously I didn't think I deserved him, so I started making things happen to cause problems so end the relationship so I wouldn't have-to live through something I honestly didn't think I deserved. One of my biggest habits, its lying. I am almost 100% convinced that I am a compulsive liar.. and bordering on depression, is not a good thing. I used any excuse I could. Another thing is, my parents, mother in particular has always done anything and everything for me. I'm almost 23yrs of age and she still fills out forms for me when i'm right there with her. I have never been taught how to cope with real life. Nor have I had a job which as yet lasted a whole year. I will do anything to keep my family proud and happy with me. If my parents said anything slightly bad about John, I used it as an excuse to cause more problems. I have gone back and forth beween John and Matt twice each for the past 5months. Am now with Matt.. but we're back to taking things slow again, as I have just recently come out and told him about Nathan. I have a fear of being alone and am in love with love, AND a compulsive liar. I don't know how to do anything for myself. And I want to learn. Especially to love myself.
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Ever thought of joining a support group in your local area? My family (with other families) started a support group for people seeking therapy for a family member with severe brain injury over 30 years ago. It really helps to connect with people with similar experiences. You can enquire about a local support group by emailing selfhelp@gil.com.au. Also there are onlines forums like this one
http://www.depressionforums.org/.
Kind regards
Pam